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Edge
New member
Username: Edge
Post Number: 2
Registered: 05-2008
| | Posted on Monday, September 29, 2008 - 02:53 pm: | 
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I've been married to a great guy for almost 17 years. Even well into our 40's he and I have indulged in just about every kink out there that involves 2 people. The only rule we have is we don't invite 'guests' into our bedroom. Everything is only between the two of us, so of course all spanking is administered by either of us, although it's usually my bottom - I mean, I am usually the bottom - um, you get the idea - but there's a problem...He is the opitome of the southern gentleman. Spanking me during sex is okay, but for actual punishment makes him uncomfortable. He just doesn't believe in hitting women and has made it clear he has no interest in DD.
I want a full fledged DD relationship. Actually it would be more accurate to say I NEED a DD relationship. I am truly mentally ill and not always in control of myself, but I am ABLE to control myself, it's just very hard to do, so being human, I tend to take the easy road and let the drugs and doctors help me. It works. I haven't done anything stupid in a very long time. On the other hand, I haven't accomplished anything either. I can't keep a job, I'm a lousy housekeeper, and I spend all my time indulging myself in whatever obsession I am obsessing about at the moment - or WHO I am obsessing about, usually an actor or author that I can work into my spanko fantasies.
Even though a spanko partner would be a totally seperate part of my life, I'm afraid it's going too far and is the same as infidelity.
Any opinions one way or the other?
and did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a play? ~ Pink Floyd
All fled - all done, so lift me on the pyre - the feast is over and the lamps expire. ~~ Robert E. Howard
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3573
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, September 29, 2008 - 06:16 pm: |
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Edge, I am glad you are seeking medical help, that is the most important element. It is not the "easy" way to let the doctors and medicines help you. It takes a very stronge person to realize they are ill and take the correct action.
I don't want to get into the fidelty issue, as that is private to your life and that of your marriage. The real problem is the idea that you have that a DD relationship is going to solve your problems. It is never a good idea to get involved with anyone who you (or they) think will solve your problems.
I would suggest getting more involved with cognitive therapy and support groups to deal with these major issues to leave you a stronger, more accomplished person.
I do not know your history, but can say that obssive behavior is a mental issue and needs to be dealt with medically. You are not a weak person and are knowledgable about your illness. Before you make an decisions that may make your life or marriage more difficult, please seek additional help.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Edge
New member
Username: Edge
Post Number: 3
Registered: 05-2008
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 30, 2008 - 12:19 am: |
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I see your point Fanny. I find my whole psychiatric history to be amusing at best. I mean, if a disorder has an acronym, I've been diagnosed with it.  ADHD, PTSD, etc. with a little manic-depression thrown on top for good measure. I have also tried every therapy out there, CBT, EMDR, hypnosis, cranial-sacral massage, EMDR and cranial-sacral massage at the same time. Depression, substance abuse, PTSD, vietnam veteran (even though I'm not one - I just got invited by a good friend)and bi-polar support groups, and I go to AA meetings at least once a day.
I take two anti-depressants, an anti-psychotic, an anti-anxiety, propanolol, and lyrica so the meds are well covered I think.
I have seen the same psychiatrist for 5 years now. He's a very good doctor and he has helped me beyond anything I could have comprehended the first time I walked into his office. Back then I was in such bad shape that I almost lost everything and everyone I had. Now I am doing really well - at least for a crazy person.
Spanking is my obsession, I just prefer having a spanker so I can be the spankee. Since I don't have one in reality, I fantasize a character - usually one I see on TV or I read about in a book - is my spanker.
I just wonder sometimes what DD would be like in reality. Maybe it will and maybe it won't help my effed-up brain, but for someone like me who still has this obsession to be spanked, I figure I should try it - I just need a willing partner.
I guess I could ask my psychiatrist what he thinks. It's the only thing left to ask him. I've just always been too embarrassed.
Thanks for your thoughts Fanny. You make me think twice. I am very impulsive sometimes.
Believe it or not, as much as I've been through, I am happy with my life overall, it's just this one little area I wonder about....
I'm not looking for understanding, only guidance.
Any other comments? I'm really interested to know what people think.
Edge
and did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a play? ~ Pink Floyd
All fled - all done, so lift me on the pyre - the feast is over and the lamps expire. ~~ Robert E. Howard
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3574
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 30, 2008 - 11:44 am: |
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I understand and appreciate your honesty and willingness to discuss your illnesses. I am especially glad you have come a long way towards healthier living.
The problem with your husband is not uncommon, many people find it difficult to see the difference between spanking as discipline, and abuse. Possibly you can start slowly with him. Read him articles you have found online about the pleasures of a DD relationship and start small. Possibly you can come up with one area of your life you would like to be held accountable for. For example keeping one room of the house clean, and then agree on a punishment that fits the "crime". If that goes well, move ahead with more, but do it slowly. Either one of you may discover that DD is not what you envision it to be.
As far as fanatasies go, we ALL have them.
One area that confuses me though, in the first post you wrote "spanking is administered by either of us, although it's usually my bottom" and in the second you write that "I just prefer having a spanker so I can be the spankee. Since I don't have one in reality, I fantasize." Please help me understand the confusion.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Edge
New member
Username: Edge
Post Number: 4
Registered: 05-2008
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 30, 2008 - 09:18 pm: |
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Oh, sorry about that Fanny. I 'type out loud' sometimes and get caught up in circular thinking. I was refering to our whole marital history in the first post whereas in the second post I was refering to our more recent sexual history.
In the last year I've had major ear surgery and I was also hospitalized in a psychiatric unit to detox from my addiction to opiates. Those kind of things can really put a damper on the old sex drive. I'm ready to kickstart things back again and I want to add DD to our lifestyle as well.
We're both older now and some things he's no longer able to do. I'm hoping that DD will make him feel masculine and useful since most 'manly' jobs he can't do because of back pain. I'm the one who does all the lifting he used to do. I know it bothers him and it's very important to me that his needs get met as well as mine.
Is it clearer now? I don't explain things very well. What makes sense to me baffles others. You're not the problem, I am.
Thank you for your advice. I used to sneak little articles in his briefcase or his laptop. He loves it when I do that. I'll try it again and see what response I get. A lot of water has gone under the bridge since the last time I brought up DD with him. Maybe he's ready to try it now. I won't know until I ask will I? 
As far as my 'illness' or 'disorders' or whatever people choose to label them, frankly, they bother other people a lot more than they bother me. I never run out of things to explore. Just about everything fascinates me to the point of distraction. I've never been bored, but I'm always in trouble and someone is always mad at me because I don't live up to their expectations of me. I don't even try anymore. It's a waste of time. You can't shove a square peg into a round hole. I accept myself as I am, acronyms and all....
I'll try your advice and keep you posted on the results.....
Thanx,
Edge
and did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a play? ~ Pink Floyd
All fled - all done, so lift me on the pyre - the feast is over and the lamps expire. ~~ Robert E. Howard
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3575
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 01, 2008 - 11:16 am: |
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Thanks for the explanation, Edge. It is wonderful that you accept yourself just the way you are, we should all be that lucky. 
Best wishes on your attempts, things may just work out for you if you keep trying. You mentioned that it has been a while since you have brought the topic up to your husband, and you are correct, he may look at the subject differently now.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Tawseman
New member
Username: Tawseman
Post Number: 2
Registered: 07-2008
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 01, 2008 - 02:14 pm: |
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I am a little reluctant to chime in on what has had just two participants, particularly as a new member here, but, since the original post asked for "any opinions, one way or the other", here goes....................
The best thing, by far, would be for you to get a DD thing going with your husband. I don't think DD can be good with a third party.
Now, lets go in another direction... Let's consider that your husband might be more amenable to giving you regular "maintenance" or "stress relief" spankings. DD is fairly punitive, and could be a negative for his personality, but maintenance or stress relief spankings are positive. You, of course, could use regular maint spankings to feed your fantasies, and I believe your desire to have a third party spanker would diminish. Regular maint spankings are also likely to make him more comfortable with the idea of perhaps a scenario or two, which could fit into your DD or punishment fantasies. This may or may not lead into full-blown DD, but could be a middle ground where you are both comfortable.
Of course, if your husband is not amenable to giving regular maint spankings, you might consider a third party, but DD is very intense and personal, and complications could arise. You would have to set rigid physical physical and emotional boundaries for it to work. It would take supreme self-control on the part of both parties. The ideal third party would be a man who is more of a maintenance spanker, with little emotional component, save his love of spanking. This might not feed your fantasy enough, though. I am not comfortable suggesting anyone go outside their marriage, but I did it in a previous marriage to a rigid, confirmed vanilla. I was absolutely fastidious in avoiding sexual and emotional complications. I characterized my spanking play as simply an itch that needed to be scratched, kept it partitioned off from the rest of my life. I think it was good for the marriage, in that it relieved a considerable amount of stress that had no other outlet. I was more balanced and relaxed person because of it.
I do not recommend this for very many people, though. |
Edge
New member
Username: Edge
Post Number: 5
Registered: 05-2008
| | Posted on Sunday, October 05, 2008 - 11:16 pm: |
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Hey Tawseman,
Thanks for jumping in. You make several very valid points to consider. I 'planted' a folder in his favs column that includes several of my favorite sites, including this one. He'll know it's me as soon as he sees 'Edge'. He found the folder and mentioned it. He liked it, but I don't know how much of it he has read.
My next trick will be to 'plant' instructions on what a maint spanking is and how it's done and why. Then I'll give hime some time to get used to the idea. If he doesn't bring it up, or bend me over  , I'll mention it to him as a stress-reliever for those times when I get out of control and drive him nuts. I think maint spankings are a good idea to help me remember self-control. I am unbelievably impulsive and he can't stand that. Not that I blame him....I can't stand it either. I'm amazed I haven't killed myself or someone else out of sheer stupidity.
If my only recourse is to find a willing spanker, then boundaries would have to be established before we even meet face to face. I don't want any nasty surprises. The fact that you were able to pull it off successfully gives me hope.
Thanx!!
Edge
and did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a play? ~ Pink Floyd
All fled - all done, so lift me on the pyre - the feast is over and the lamps expire. ~~ Robert E. Howard
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Tawseman
New member
Username: Tawseman
Post Number: 5
Registered: 07-2008
| | Posted on Monday, October 06, 2008 - 03:43 am: |
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It is possible that if you get regular stress relief of maintenance spankings, your behavior might improve. He might be more amenable to more frequent maintenance spankings as a positive motivator rather than punishment spankings, which are negative motivators. You could end up getting spanked more often but punished less. I don't know if that is what you want or not, but it could be a good thing. |
Edge
New member
Username: Edge
Post Number: 6
Registered: 05-2008
| | Posted on Wednesday, October 08, 2008 - 11:41 am: |
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That'll do. It's better than my original idea anyway. And it would help feed my fantasies which like every other woman, is the driving force behind my libido. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. It would be nice to fantasize about my husband instead of some character I see in movies or on TV. That's been the biggest source of 'fantasy material' over the years.
Thank you for your honesty, Tawseman. You've been very helpful. I'll keep you posted on how things work out.
Edge
and did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a play? ~ Pink Floyd
All fled - all done, so lift me on the pyre - the feast is over and the lamps expire. ~~ Robert E. Howard
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