Post Number: 33
|Posted on Monday, September 24, 2007 - 12:50 pm: ||
a question for the bottoms in the group! I am really new at this in reality.....fantasy, well that's quite another story but.....I am discovering that a lot of the guys who fancy themselves "doms" use this tone of voice that ....well it almost makes my skin crawl... it's not the stern tone I had fully expected to run into, it this kind of oily low quiet tone, like they're trying to hypnotize a snake or something.....
for me, a normal tone of voice is just fine, I am not a horse to be gentled....does anyone else know what I am talking about or is it just me?????
what a long strange trip it's been
Post Number: 117
|Posted on Monday, September 24, 2007 - 01:29 pm: ||
When MY man gets that low hushed and very controled tone... perhaps the one you says seems like he is trying to hypnotize a snake... I know it hypnotizes my ass!!! Mainly because it means he is at the end of his rope and about to unleash on me.
I can undersatnd what you mean though and that would majorly suck if the tone was turning you off or ruining your moment. As we always advise around her communicate it to your dom that this area needs to be woked on for you to reach total subbie space. He may not realize he is doing it
Post Number: 1684
|Posted on Monday, September 24, 2007 - 03:06 pm: ||
Since you are talking about various doms you've met, not one you've settled into a relationship with, I'd say go with your instincts. If it turns you off, then it turns you off.
Some of those guys might be wannabe doms (as you say they "fancy" themselves to be one) and I've run into a few myself over the years I've spent in this lifestyle. They might think that's the way they're supposed to sound. Some of them might not have any real experience and are just trying to walk the walk and talk the talk. I understand you have to start somewhere so not having a lot of experience isn't a bad thing, but not admitting it is a bad thing. Honesty is important in any relationship.
If you know the guy well enough, explain that his delivery is a bit too snake oil salesman and not enough stern dom. If you don't know the guy that well and he's already trying to dom you, take a step back and reevaluate. Taking a dom into your life is a big step and one you should build up to.
Being in a dom/sub relationship take times. It's a special relationship that relies on trust and honesty. If you're looking for a top or a casual spanker, that's a different matter. You still need trust and honesty, but not all the other emotions and commitment on the deeper level that's needed for a dom/sub relationship. If you want a dom, you'll need to build that relationship over time. Someone who wants to be an instant dom and tries to convince you he means business by taking on an unnatural tone of voice might be a problem, if nothing else because it creeps you out. Also, maybe his trying to be all domly too fast is creeping you out and his voice is what you're reacting too. Listen to your instincts at that point.
(Message edited by bethie on September 24, 2007)
Post Number: 54
|Posted on Monday, September 24, 2007 - 06:16 pm: ||
Definitely go with your instincts! If his tone of voice is making your skin crawl and the "dom" can't pick up on that there is a problem. Tone of voice is an important part of communication - see Bratittude's post, and many of us do use a quiet firm tone (who wants an excited, loud and flighty paddle wielding Dom?) but if you are getting unsettled by his tone and he does not "hear" that - either by reading you or by you telling him in some manner - then communications are not working well enough to proceed.
In my mind, Red lights are flashing that read "Danger! Wanna-Be Dom!" This is not necessarily the case, maybe previous play partners reacted well to his tone and your reaction is new for him - BUT - he should know that something is not right, even if you need to tell him. I just don't think you should be getting spanked (or anything else) by somebody you are that out of sync with!
Reading your posts, you have got me a little worried. Please take care and listen to your instincts.
Post Number: 166
|Posted on Monday, September 24, 2007 - 10:49 pm: ||
I agree with what everyone is saying here. If this guy's voice makes your "skin crawl" then there is a reason for it. You have to be able to trust the Dom your with, after all your allowing him to spank you so trust is essential. Just be careful and go with what your instincts tell you because they won't lead you in the wrong direction.