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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1352
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, March 24, 2007 - 02:23 am: | 
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This is for all you spankees out there. In another discussion recently, the topic of control was brought up. For some spankees, a favorite fantasy is to be taken in hand and give complete control of the spanking over to their spanker. My question for you spankees is, even if this is a fantasy of yours, in reality is this what you really experience? I'm not talking about non-consensual spankings so please don't try to bring that topic into this discussion.
In all of my spanking relationships, past and present, I made my needs and desires clear at the beginning and clarified my needs as the relationship progressed. Even when we agreed that discipline was a part of the relationship, I never felt completely out of control. The truth is, even though my spankers were in charge of handing out the discipline, it was my choice to submit and take whatever discipline had been agreed upon. I never tried to get out of a deserved punishment either because I felt that would've thrown the whole dynamic off.
For me, submitting to discipline wasn't giving up control because in reality if I ever really and truly felt like the discipline wasn't what I'd agreed to or beyond what was safe, I knew I could end it at any time. It would have meant some serious renegotiation had to take place though before we could go forward. I chose to submit and I knew my choice could be taken back at any time. That's what made it a consensual relationship; my willing and continued consent evidenced by my submission.
In a weird way, my submission controlled some aspects of the situation and that didn't lessen his dominance in any way. In my opinion, submission and dominance work together to strengthen each other. You can't have one without the other.
When it comes to erotic or play spankings, it's like a dance of sorts. Dan and I are constantly communicating. It's a lot like any other erotic encounter. If I want a little more of a certain toy or if I want to change toys, I can tell him. It's nice though when I can just kick back and leave it up to him because he knows what works. I moan or encourage him when it's going well but if it's not I can use certain phrases (safe phrases) that he recognizes as the ones I use when something is seriously not working for me.
During a spanking, we're working together to make it the best possible experience for both of us. Occasionally that means he gets to use toys I'm not particularly fond of, but Dan's always good about making sure it's not too much and I'm completely warmed up and ready for it first. It's to his benefit as well since that means he gets to pull out the big guns!
He's also good about mixing it up so I get toys I like and I don't really notice the occasional evil toy he sneaks into the lineup. I've actually found myself enjoying a sensation and then later I'll find out he was using a toy I'd complained about before. 
I don't consider this as "topping from the bottom" so much as enjoying a sexual encounter with my partner. Just lying there and accepting it has never been my style though, in either sex or spanking! 
Sex and spanking go together for me so it's really hard to separate the two. They're pretty much the same thing to me actually. A quick swat when I walk by is just the way he shows affection and it makes me just as happy as when he gives me a quick kiss or a caress.
I think sometimes I'm misunderstood as a spankee. For me, part of being a bottom is teasing and joking about the toys and the spankings I get. Sometimes I just like to fuss about the "evil" toys and I'll playfully "complain" about getting a spanking, but I'm not serious. I like all of my spankings! Yes, even the not-so-fun ones because they serve a purpose in my spanko world. That may make it seem like I have no control over the situation, but that's not exactly true.
I know I've gone on and on, I'm trying to explore this question of control from the different angles that I see. Now it's y'all's turn...finally!  |
Pinkcheeks
Supreme Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 1100
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, March 24, 2007 - 10:55 am: |
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You stated things nicely Bethie 
Personally, I have to agree with you in regards to working together in order to have a great spanking experience. Looking back over the last 5 years, I would have to say that I never gave up total control (literally). We had longggggg discussions about what the both of us wanted out of spanking - and we don't do true DD, so our spankings are for "play", foreplay, or occasional "bad girl". I too get the occasional swats as he walks by ( I love those ).
I do not consider myself "submissive" - only that we have found a lifestyle that we both enjoy. Communication is key
**Great topic**
"Do I have to be good ALL the time?"
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Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1726
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, March 24, 2007 - 12:07 pm: |
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Over the years and chatting with several spankos I have found that "topping from the bottom" is a must when first starting out. The bottom needs to convey to the top what the needs and desires are so the top will know how far...how long...how hard...etc.
I had a Dom tell me once that it's like owning a car...the fella may have the keys but the woman holds the pink slip.
There will be the couple that the top will want full control...a slave...and the bottom will have no say so. That is not for me. I have to be able to set my limits and have those limits respected. After all, the bottom is the one that is taking the spanking and has to live with the aftermath (i.e. brusing...soreness...etc.)
When my hubby and I first got together we discussed the limits and I was able to fully trust him. He never took a session beyond what I could tolerate. He learned after a fashion how far he could take it by my body language.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Cheekychipmunk
Spanko
Username: Cheekychipmunk
Post Number: 254
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, March 24, 2007 - 02:42 pm: |
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Hubby and I aren't in a DD relationship either. The spankings are mostly sensual, some for attitude.
After approx 5 years into spankings I still find myself telling hubby certain things to do or not to do while spanking me.
I would not give up total control or be able to be completely submissive- Like Shylah said the spankee is the one that has to live with the aftermath.
Though if I am having a really bad attitude I don'e mind hubby throwing me over his shoulder and heading to the bedroom for the punishment spanking.
He hates to see bruises on me so I have no worries of him going overboard.
"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence."
Sloan Wilson
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Ruinae8
New member
Username: Ruinae8
Post Number: 7
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, March 24, 2007 - 07:20 pm: |
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Peronally I am a top and a bottom, so being that which I am, I can, and ,am able to (I think) understand what is being said here from a "both sides of the coin" perspective - albeit being new to the whole spanko scenario.
Sometimes I think I would like (and fantasise about it) to be in a situation that I cant escape from (sub of course)- but reality kicks in and you realise that as a sub you have to have the final say 'cos you are the one that will bear the marks (scars if it goes wrong) at the end of the day (or the week if it really went wrong)
Having said that I still fantasise about being in that situation and if I ever get to live it out it would only happen with someone that I truly trust.
Cheekychipmunk mentions going over the shoulder and heading for the bedroom for a punishment - she doesnt mind - and yeah I think that is great but clearly she trusts her partner and he also understands what level he can take her to - (I also hate to see bruises on my subs - only 'cos I will need to back off for a couple of days!) Strangely if I am sub it doesnt worry me - but that is a different story!
But I digress - I am in full agreement that the top must be in full accord with the bottom as to how far and how long, and the receiver must have final and unequivocal say in the proceedings
So - if ever you have a "thing" about being restrained and spanked / disciplined / punished - (no holds barred type of scene)I personally believe it really should only be done with someone you have the utmost trust in.
I must also agree with Bethie that sex and spanking go very much together - me being a spanko (top or bottom or both) means that the fetish becomes part of the foreplay for great sex - for me anyway! |
Tplayer
Spanko
Username: Tplayer
Post Number: 211
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, March 24, 2007 - 09:39 pm: |
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I definitely fantasize about having no control at all. But, having said that, it is not in me to actually be that way in real life. What I like about the idea of total submission, is the requirement to take what is dished out with no control over it.
It's all a matter of perspective
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Blushingbride
Junior Spanko
Username: Blushingbride
Post Number: 73
Registered: 10-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, March 25, 2007 - 01:15 pm: |
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Apologies in advance - I'm going to be rambling a bit here. 
For me, it is about giving up most of the control. As others have said so well, I am the one who will be wearing marks and feeling sore. Hubby won't be. He can not feel what I am feeling, therefore he can not know - absolutely for sure under any and all circumstances - how I am going to feel with a given manner of play.
That is not communication issue, it is a medical fact that pain is a intensely personal and subjective experience. This is how 2 people have the same surgery done by the same doctor and yet describe very different levels of pain during the healing process. And how the same person can have the same type of surgery done at 2 different points in time and need different pain meications to cope with each recovery. Since no one can possibly know what I am feeling, I need to be able to communicate with my hubby to let him know where I am in the process.
Some of that is by the words and sounds I make during a spanking, and by my body language, etc. Some of that is by use of a safeword. That adds in both a manner for me to stop things if something goes wrong on any level, and also a reassurance for Hubby to know that if I haven't said that word, then my other signs of distress are in fact part of the play.
So in that way, yes I keep some of the control back from him. But that is the way we have negotiated our relationship. He controls what is used, how much of which toy, and when a spanking will occur. He trusts me to not use the safe word unless something is really wrong, just as I trust him to actually stop if I say it. While most of the time it never comes up, the occasional time it has, I am very glad that we have this extra tool.
Sometimes it's jsut a matter of adjustment of what was going on - like if I've squirmed myslef into a position where my back is at risk and I need him to stop to let me correct that. Sometimes it's been simply that we weren't in the same head space - and he had no idea why I hadd said it until I explained. But far better that we stop things early than for me to be hurt physically and/or emotionally by something I wasn't in the frame of mind to recieve. After all - while I am a spanko, I am also many other roles in my life and sometimes those other roles take precedence.
So on the original question, I would say that while I submit to the spankings I reiceve from my Hubby, I do not ever relinquish complete control to him. Nor would he want me to.
Stepping off  now... |
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