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Message |
    
Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 1702
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 20, 2007 - 12:35 pm: | 
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I've been with my husband for over 6 years now.
I still have a very hard time having face to face talks with him about spanking. We met in a spanking chat room!! Its not like we don't know what the other is about.
I was just wondering if others have or have had the same problem.
My husband has been spanking me for over 6 years why the hell can't I just say whats on my mind concerning spanking??
I sent him an e-mail the other day to let him know some things that have been on my mind. That was easy enough. I just don't understand why after all this time I don't have the comfort level I should have with him in talking about this face to face.
I trust him completly I always have. He has never laughed or thought I was strange or anything like that. That isn't the problem at all. I just would like that comfort level that you get with the face to face talk. |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3093
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 20, 2007 - 06:12 pm: |
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Tammy, that is a hard one for me. I have been married forever, but I still have difficulty expressing many things. I will not directly ask for a spanking, even though he would be thrilled to comply.
I wonder if some of us, as wife and mothers, just have a difficult time asking for anything that is just for ourselves?
Anyway, I am as stumped as you are, and am anxious to hear what other members have to say about this topic.
I am sure we are going to hear a lot about talking and communicating, but if I am reading you correctly, I agree that it is difficult to get to that comfort level, no matter how hard you try.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1267
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 20, 2007 - 11:40 pm: |
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I used to be a bit tongue-tied when it came to discussing spanking. To me, it was almost the same thing as sex so I felt like it should be handled the same. I didn't know you could talk openly to others about spanking and be accepted for being a spanko until I met and interacted in real life with other kinky people. After a bit of that, I lost the feeling that it was something that you only talked about behind closed doors. No matter what group I'm with though, I still don't like to discuss the more intimate details with just anyone. But spanking as a topic, I can discuss easily with like-minded folk.
Then I met Dan and I found out something new. Even though we can talk all day about spanking, I'm still a little shy about coming right out and asking for a spanking for myself. I'd rather do a spanking seduction of sorts. Asking for a spanking is almost the same thing as asking for sex in my mind. I'd rather lead up to either with a bit of finesse.
Should I feel the need, I have ways of letting him "know" what I'm up to. You know how some couples have sure-fire signs that they use to tell their partner that they're in the mood? We have the same thing going. There's certain phrases I use to let him know to eat his Wheaties and be prepared. Sometimes I mention I've got some new lingerie, a new spanking movie I want to watch, a new toy, a too pristine bottom, or whatever else that will get his mind on spanking. I'll even point out a blog or story I think he should read because I found it "interesting." Sometimes I'll just come out and ask him for a date night and we both know where that will lead. It doesn't take much though, we're talking about SpankBoss here for crying out loud! 
If I have a certain type of spanking in mind, that means I have to be a bit more specific. Once I get the idea across that I'm in the mood, I'll get out specific toys or ask for certain toys to be available.
I've had to talk with him a couple of times about a specific concern and I try to be thoughtful and open when I address it. Usually I can let him know when we're actually doing it, but sometimes afterwards, I start thinking that something needs adjusting.
Just like when you want to discuss any other bedroom technique, you have to pick the right time and place to discuss it. I've had to explain to him that although I like it when you do that, I really like it when you do that as well (or instead depending on the case). We've had to take time outside the bedroom to discuss why some toys are better than others and why. We're both big believers in the power of feedback.
It really helps that I have the blog so he can read exactly what I think about many of our encounters. That saves a lot of time. 
It's really nice being able to discuss spanking so easily with Dan, but I know we have a bit of an unusual situation. We have spanking sites, we view a lot of spanking products online, and we have spanko contacts we discuss this with on a regular basis so we're fairly well immersed in it. In fact, now it's hard to remember we can't just jump into spank talk when out in public. I'm just waiting for the day when I completely forget about where I am and in a normal voice ask Dan if he saw so-and-so's blog because they posted about getting a big spanking and I'm completely jealous. Then while Dan is laughing his ass off, I will be hoping the floor is going to open up and swallow me. I can see it now. 
That's the downside of being too comfortable talking about spanking.  |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3097
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 - 11:19 am: |
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LOL Bethie, you certainly are at the advantgage!
Somewhat on the same note, I have discovered that joining the Den and being able to communicate about the subject with "strangers" has helped me realize that the subject does not have to be so secret. It helps but I have a way to go yet.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 1708
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 - 01:16 pm: |
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I appreciate what both of you have said.
Your right (of course your right  )
I don't have a problem discussing spanking in the Den at all. Just with talking about it with my husband while we are face to face.... I just want/need to get past that. |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3099
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 - 03:05 pm: |
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One step at a time, darling.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Mwbfs
New member
Username: Mwbfs
Post Number: 13
Registered: 02-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 09:15 am: |
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Tammynx, 6 years is really not all that long, in the great marital time clock; your familiarity & even intimacy will grow far greater as the decades fly by.
Although for me, sometimes, talking about the clinical aspects during can really spoil the mood; I truly enjoy letting go & letting him lead.
I see nothing inhibited about sending him a note both before & after, to express my thoughts about the event.
Unless he wants you to be more open during your spankings, let yourself off the hook, & don't think you are denying him anything.
I would talk to him about it too, definately; as maybe he can help you become more verbal, if it is your sincere wish to...
Hi, I am a Married White Bi-sexual Female Switch; & u?
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Janice
New member
Username: Janice
Post Number: 18
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 04:38 pm: |
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Oh...I thought I was the only one really shy in here...smiles...
What lives in my head is far more interesting than what happens in real life.
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Bratattitude
New member
Username: Bratattitude
Post Number: 40
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 06:49 pm: |
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Hey Tammy...
I don't have much advice... but I did want to let you knwo you are not alone. Sometimes I am just unable to voice what I wanna say to my husband. It sucks cause he is this most amazing man but instead of saying what I need or feel I can bottle it up and it makes it worse.
for me the whole crying issue was a huge thing and I got some great advice from people on here and I am hoping by the time we get back together (he is away on business) I can talk myself into talking to him about it.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone. |
Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 1712
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 08:15 pm: |
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Thanks Bratattitude I appreciate that!!! |
Bratattitude
New member
Username: Bratattitude
Post Number: 41
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 10:33 pm: |
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You are more than welcome  |
Chelle711
New member
Username: Chelle711
Post Number: 3
Registered: 02-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, February 24, 2007 - 01:11 am: |
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Good thing DH isn't reading this one - if I feel neglected in the discipline area, and I've dropped hints (why are men soooooo thick at times?) to no avail - I am indeed guilty of bratting - and after almost 22 years with this man - I certainly know what buttons to push. Problem is, after 22 years together and 5ish living the LDD/CDD life, he's learning to spot bratting - which usually earns me alternative discipline...someday I'll just learn to say it...
Honey - I feel myself getting a bit out of control.
Nothing else would be needed - he knows how to handle it.
Good luck to you - and if you figure it out - let us know??
Blessings,
Chelle |
Ohyehright
New member
Username: Ohyehright
Post Number: 1
Registered: 02-2007
| | Posted on Saturday, February 24, 2007 - 09:39 am: |
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I have been there. One thing that we found is that the e-mail approach can be quite effective in communication when face to face is difficult. We made it part of the senario. It actually became fun and something we both anticipate.
I started discussing the e-mails with her and we got into some heavy discussions about them and ta-da before she knew it she was talking about it spontaniously.
It is tough not being able to talk about something so intimate that we share with someone special.
I hope you work it out and find that freedom. |
Blushingbride
Junior Spanko
Username: Blushingbride
Post Number: 62
Registered: 10-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, February 25, 2007 - 07:39 pm: |
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I too have trouble talking face to face, and especially asking for what I am wanting in regards to either spanking or sex. What I have found helps a little is to not have to see his face, either due to being spooning in bed, or in a darkened room. I think for me part if the reason that helps is that I tend to blush a tonne while trying to talk and this way I can hide it. We both know it's happening, but it's easier to ignore when I can hide it from being visible. |
Ruinae8
New member
Username: Ruinae8
Post Number: 3
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 04:11 pm: |
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Hi all, cant help thinking that the lack of communication is the reason for the high divorce rate - even in good relationships I (we) hear on this site how couples have difficulty in discussing their personal needs - jee! if you are both into it then TALK! You can only enhance the relationship if you both know what the other wants and needs - you only have to pluck up the courage once to talk about it - believe me ,thereafter it gets easier and easier! |
Ruinae8
New member
Username: Ruinae8
Post Number: 4
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Monday, March 19, 2007 - 02:59 pm: |
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Well now, nobody care to answer? Does the mere fact of saying what you want and need frighten you? Jee whizz, I cannot believe that all that are on this site that are willing to be subjected to physical punishment are unwilling to subject themselves to a small moment in time where they have to utter a few words of what they want to experience - sorry but it does not make sense to me - anyone care to comment???
I must say that what did it for me was an ex girlfriend of mine saying to me after I gave her a playful tap -"is that the best you can do?" Well after that you can only imagine what transpired. |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3114
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Monday, March 19, 2007 - 03:37 pm: |
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You are way too simplifying things, Ruinae. I am in a 28 year long marriage and yes we can talk all we want. That does not mean that certain subjects (and that includes more than spanking desires) are a bit uncomfortable to say out loud. No, I am certainly not "frightened" by any aspect of talking. True discussion is more than a "few words". Tammy made the comment that she is uneasy talking about the subject, not that she cannot.
I think it is unfair for a single man as yourself to comment on married life, and possibly your attitude is what makes members uncomfortable answering you.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1717
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, March 19, 2007 - 03:58 pm: |
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I'm the same as Tammy. I also met my hubby in a spanking chat room. After everything we've gone through, for some reason talking face to face about spanking seems difficult. We can talk about anything else with no problem. I think it's because I had to supress my urges and needs for so long it's not easy to verbalize them.
I find writing a letter and leaving it for him to read is easier. That way I can get all my thoughts on paper and have him read it without interruption and thus losing the point I was trying to make.
And I don't have to face him and feel silly even tho he says he would never call me silly. He calls me a brat and a little devil but never silly.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1341
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Monday, March 19, 2007 - 08:53 pm: |
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Ruinae, you didn't ask a question, you stated your opinion. I guess no one replied to your comment because they either didn't like the way you presented your rather strong opinion or they had nothing to add. There was no reason for you to demand a response and belittle the group for not commenting on your post.
Honestly, there are many reasons this subject might be difficult to discuss. The fact that spanking is something that isn't widely accepted in our society probably adds to the discomfort that comes with discussing it openly. There's no reason to criticize anyone who has a little trouble introducing the subject.
It takes more than just a few words for most of us to describe what it is we want out of our spanking relationships. It can be very complicated and sometimes it takes some effort to get our spanking desires explained properly. Some of us spankos are complicated that way.
Also, if that's how you and your girlfriend began your spanking relationship, then you didn't exactly introduce the subject as a discussion about your needs and desires; you just sort of stumbled into it. |
Buenaventura
Advanced Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 559
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - 09:28 am: |
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I teach people to sell house to house which make me a master of communication you would assume BUT expressing true deep feelings is never easy for me the deeper they are the more difficult.Ruinae8 I don,t know if it ever gets easy maybe easier sure but if it,s deep as spanking desires are never really easy. |
Aka
Junior Spanko
Username: Aka
Post Number: 55
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - 02:14 pm: |
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I know I am coming in late to this discussion, but might I ad my 2 cents? Communication as a whole is one of the weakest areas in our society. Note how often times people don't speak because they do not know how to appologize or take things wrong and get their feelings hurt or get mad, so they do not have to feel guilty.
Your comfortable with the lifestyle, so is he, maybe you need to play a little game of communication. Each of you write down a list of questions about spanking you would like the other to answer, put the list together, both answer every question on both list. Then trade papers. Sounds dumb, I know, but in time you will be ready for face to face and it is close enough to chatting on the net, you will be a little more comfortable, we crawl before we walk you know.
The idea is to establish a "Comfort Zone". Our zone is set in us from our childhood, whatever we were raised in, you were not raised in a home that could discuss your fetish openly, (Few were!) now you have discomfort as a result. These zones are very slowly broken down with a lot of effort. Find your most comfortable area of spanking talk and talk first, like tell him which was your favorite spanking, ask his. Slow progress. It will work.
A good spanking changes things!
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Prissietl
Spanko
Username: Prissietl
Post Number: 156
Registered: 07-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - 02:21 pm: |
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Ruinae,
Wanna know something funny, I knew just by reading your first post (without looking at your profile) that you were a man.
I really love how you just make it all so cut and dry....NOT!
Most of us (women in the den) are very strong willed, independent women.
For me, i am both of those AND a huge control freak and it can be very hard to let go of control and expose your weaker side.
My hubby and i have been married 19 years and it was VERY hard for me to talk to him about spanking.
Asking for a spanking for fun or as forplay is MUCH eaiser than asking for one to help you. Even now if i feel my behavior slipping and i know i need it....it can be very hard to ask for it.
I think that you lackadaisical attitude ruffled a few feathers.
Might try a little tact next time.
Once a princess always a princess
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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 1794
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - 04:27 pm: |
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I guess I don't even need to say what I was going to say...you have said it so well for me.
Ruinae I don't think you even read my whole post in the beginning..if you had you would not have made the comments that you did.
Thank you everyone else for your support!! |
Prissietl
Spanko
Username: Prissietl
Post Number: 158
Registered: 07-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - 05:16 pm: |
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Don't worry girlfriend, i got your back..... we girls gotta stick together!!
Once a princess always a princess
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Ruinae8
New member
Username: Ruinae8
Post Number: 5
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - 07:03 pm: |
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My profound apolgies to all those that I have offended, more especially those of the fairer sex (who seem to be my main protagonists) - if I appeared to come on strong it was only because I still truly believe that the fear of communication and lack thereof (for whatever reason and as ligit as it may be at the time or again for whatever reason)is to blame for breakdowns in relationships, business, politics, friendships etc,etc.
AKA, you seemed to have grasped what it was I was trying to convey - for the others, again apologies for what appeared to be an arrogant second message re non response - but I wont apologise for broaching the subject of non communication, only for the manner in which I approached it. |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3116
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - 08:41 pm: |
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Apology accepted, Ruinae. You may be quite right in your belief that lack of communication is to blame for breakdowns in relationshhips. but I still argue that it is not fear.
I am curious, if you are such a great communicator, than why are you single at age 45? Actually none of my business, but you to have made general comments that makes it appear you consider yourself as one of the great communicators.
In future, if you don't want to offend people, than take care in the way you present your opinions. I stress opinions and not necessarily facts.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Aka
Junior Spanko
Username: Aka
Post Number: 56
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 12:51 am: |
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Ruinae, I am pretty open minded and try to listen to every one with a positive attitude, however, I think I have to leave you to the wolves for my own personal reasons here, you see I am a top and it seems from what I have read if I back you against the girls, we will get spanked! LOL For subs they have a sadistic streak I think! =) Maybe I am messed up but I get good laughs out of these fusses!
A good spanking changes things!
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Little_miss
New member
Username: Little_miss
Post Number: 26
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 12:53 am: |
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I NEVER ask for spankings or try to communicate it really for a long time....then i just start doing stuff i know he HATES and being a total pain in the ass (pun intended..lol) until we deal with it. At first he got frusterated but now he usually spots it and we deal with even smaller offenses so usually by time all is said and done, i've had more than enough. i just can't bring myself to directly ask nor do i usually say the word "spanking" above a whisper. lol
"Lately it just seems to me like we have the letters ADD branded into our mentality"
~Reliant K
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Aka
Junior Spanko
Username: Aka
Post Number: 57
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 01:00 am: |
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Not to change the subject but does any one know how many post or how long I have to be a member to loose the title "Junior Spanko"? It hurts my self esteem! =) I want to be some thing more like "The Spank Monster" or "Spank Master General", I just fear the girls will not be able to brag to their peers that they are going out wihth Junior Spanko! Guess I gotta climb the ranks like every one else though!
Good night all, bed time!
A good spanking changes things!
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Prissietl
Spanko
Username: Prissietl
Post Number: 159
Registered: 07-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 10:46 am: |
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Smart man Aka, never go up aginst this many subs,........we stick together!!
As for you Mr.Ruinae, maybe i did go a little postal, sorry.
But your attitude frustrated the crap out of me.
However now you have Fanny (one of our queen mother of subs) on your case  so the rest of us can just sit back and relax.............
And if you feel lucky and wanna go up aginst her (hehehe) go for it........ my money is on Fanny!!
Once a princess always a princess
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Buenaventura
Advanced Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 562
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 10:59 am: |
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Hmmmmmm Prissi sounds like that kid at school that used to challenge all the guys when his big brother was standing behind him. |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1719
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 11:32 am: |
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Ok...NOT to change the subject but to answer Aka...
Zero - 50 posts = New Member
51 - 200 posts = Junior Spanko
201 - 3000 posts = Spanko
3001 - 5000 posts = Advanced Spanko
5001 - 8000 posts = Supreme Spanko
After 8001 posts = Ultimate Spanko
Your ego will be fine dearie...
Now...back to the discussion!!!!!
As for us subbies....
can't speak for others but I can be
VICIOUS!!!!
so watch it!
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Aka
Junior Spanko
Username: Aka
Post Number: 58
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 11:48 am: |
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I appreciate the acknowledge ment of my hard learned knowledge Priss, Spanks!
Wow Shylah, thanks for info, but I got a lot of writting to do! I am stuck a Junior Spanko for 142 more post! My ego is shrinking, no wonder I backed down from a group of subs. I feel like the little guy in the locker room showers! LOL I may have to post my entire spanking journal to pull this off (No I don't really have one, but I do got several videos I could review!=)
A good spanking changes things!
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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 1796
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 11:50 am: |
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I'm curious Aka...where did you get the impression that you or anyother Top could or would be spanked by the women here??
Most discussions we have had on the subject most have stated we DON'T spank. I don't switch have no desire to.
I'm sure there are some women here that switch but I've never seen them threaten to spank a top before.
Little_miss....I don't brat...I don't "do" things to make my husband mad. Bratting isn't something he will spank for anyway. He doesn't care for it anymore then I do.
(Message edited by tammynx on March 21, 2007) |
Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1720
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 01:46 pm: |
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Like Tammy, I don't brat either. I don't need to. I do enough on my own without even trying.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3118
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 01:58 pm: |
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For the record, I am brat intolerant, so you will not find any bratting activities going on her either.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Ruinae8
New member
Username: Ruinae8
Post Number: 6
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 05:04 pm: |
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My,My, I never thought I'd get such a stinging reposte as I have had - my thanks to all of you that have replied and can honestly say that (after going back and reading what each of you had to say) I can understand that you may well feel uncomfortable about verbalising your request to be spanked. At the same time after reading what AKA had to say about throwing me to the "wolves" and risking punishment from the subs, the devil in me almost rose up to take on the collective challenge - but, as Tammynx has pointed out, the lady subs dont dish it out.(oh well it could have been an interesting challenge albeit a lop sided one!) All said and done I still cant help thinking that Prissi wants to see me go up against Fanny and that BV is quite right about Prissi being the school kid with big brother behind her! Personally I have no axe to grind with Fanny - she was gracious enough to accept my apologies and whilst I am on the subject I realize that I was also remiss in not extending a personal apology to Tammynx since she posted the initial thread.
Shylah? mmm, the second half of your reply to AKA seems to come across as a challenge - what would Prissi say to that? AKA and BV - any thoughts? |
Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3119
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 06:18 pm: |
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A challenge?
Ruinae, have you read the site protocol? What you have just done is what is called a highjack. If you care to change the original subject of the thread, you will need to start a whole new thread. Tammy's original topic is still in discussion. Thank you.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Cheekychipmunk
Spanko
Username: Cheekychipmunk
Post Number: 247
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 07:11 pm: |
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My hubby and I have been married for 17 years and have only been into spanking the last 5 or so years.
We are very close have to be since we work together and are around each other 24/7.
But there are things that I still have trouble communicating with him about.
I don't like asking for a spanking and if I have a spanking fantasy it is hard for me to tell him what I have fantisized about. I did get up the nerve the other night to tell him one fantasy I had and guess what...it was after we were in the bed and the lights were out. LOL
I have to really build up my courage to bring up a discussion on spanking with him.
I know he won't laugh at me or think I'm crazy when I finally tell him what is on my mind.
For some reason it is just hard for me to tell him certain things.
And 20 years from now it will most likely be the same way.
I can write him a note and tell him anything but face to face discussions takes me a bit of time to find my courage.
"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence."
Sloan Wilson
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Shylah
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 1722
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 07:22 pm: |
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See Tammy? It's not just you. It seems most of us here have that same dilemma.
I don't know if it's the fear of embarressment or the fear of being turned down or what but talking about it seems to just be downright difficult.
I'll just keep to my little letters. They are most effective for me.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with it.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Buenaventura
Advanced Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 563
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 09:09 pm: |
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Cheeky have you ever thought about giving him first read and comments on your wonderful stories?? |
Cheekychipmunk
Spanko
Username: Cheekychipmunk
Post Number: 248
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 09:31 pm: |
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Buena,
I did when I first started writing them. He knows what makes me tick but he wants to talk about things instead of reading them.
I guess its just a female thing.
After all its our quirky little ways which keeps guys interested in us. 
I can be brassy and bold in my writings yet it is hard for me to be that way in person. I guess that is why it is hard for me.
"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence."
Sloan Wilson
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Aka
Junior Spanko
Username: Aka
Post Number: 59
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 - 11:30 pm: |
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Cheekychip, I have noticed that most women and men communicate better with some one they do not have sex with, seems odd don't it? One woman I did cessions with had a big secret haunting her she never told her husband about, so she told him with me there! Said it was easier to tell me and let him hear it than to face him alone. To think we can do all that takes place in the bedroom, yet hold back on communication, but it does seem to be that way. Most of my bottoms, have been great spankos, yet most of my best conversations about spanking have been with female friends. Some of whom even wanted to do the spanking thing in a non-sexual relationship, not being comfortable enough with a sex partner to even let them know they want it. Odd. Wish I had a good explaination for the women in this, guys are easier, given the choice they will take sex over talk, afterwards they are too tired and go to sleep! =) Men are shallow, women are complicated, maybe we deserve each other.
A good spanking changes things!
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Cheekychipmunk
Spanko
Username: Cheekychipmunk
Post Number: 249
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2007 - 12:53 am: |
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Forgot in my earlier post, Bunea, thanks for the compliments on my stories.
AKA,
I guess women and men deserve each other too. But I know what you mean about talking to someone easier than you talk to your hubby, or someone special.
Tammy,
Hopefully over time you'll get more relaxed with the spanking talks, I guess if we keep working on it we get better each time. Though it sure does seem like a slow progress, at least to me anyhow.
"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence."
Sloan Wilson
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Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1345
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2007 - 01:10 am: |
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Aka, I've never had problems communicating with the men in my life, especially the ones I was having sex with. I talk more to Dan than I've ever talked to anyone...ever! And let me tell you, that's saying a lot.
I've found that I censor myself more with friends and relatives than I ever have done with Dan or any of my ex-partners. I always figured if I was going to be intimate with someone, that meant being intimate on all levels. That was really important when it came time for that "Guess what? I'm a spanko!" talk. I always preferred dating men I already knew were spankos, but even then, you still have to tell them what kind of spanko you are or are interested in being.
One of the most enjoyable experiences for me with a partner is engaging in "pillow talk." I've learned a lot as well as shared a lot during those special times.
I also got a couple of surprises. We think we've got the big secret because we're spankos, and that's not always the case. It's always good to get those things out in the open though.
(Message edited by bethie on March 22, 2007) |
Buenaventura
Advanced Spanko
Username: Buenaventura
Post Number: 565
Registered: 04-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2007 - 09:16 am: |
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I,ll say this for you Aka you,re the best generalizer I,ve ever met.Men are shallow women ae complicated maybe you should find some new friends.I,ll admit that they prgrammed us to keep a stiff upper lip and not complain etc.but far from being shallow my friends tend to be pretty deep and complicated and it,s a given that in the den the women tend to be somewhat deeper than in the outside world they,re not really your typical woman.Stop being ashamed of your sex man or kissing up to the bottoms if that,s what you,re doing. |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1346
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2007 - 10:36 am: |
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I'm starting to think that the ability to communicate with one's partner isn't really the issue here; I think it's the subject of spanking that is the real issue.
No matter how much we wish it wasn't so, spanking is still a taboo subject in most circles. Even among spankos, there are some spanking subjects that are more sensitive than others. We've learned to be careful about admitting our kink to others and no matter how comfortable we are with our partner, there's always going to be that feeling that we're still sharing something secret with them.
I know a lot of spankos who whisper the word "spanking" no matter who they are with or how long they've been active in the lifestyle. It's not easy to speak this aloud for some people and it may not have anything to do with their partner.
These are people who have built a life with this person or even changed their life completely for this person and have no problem discussing finances, child rearing, in-laws, or any of the other important and sensitive issues in their life, but when it comes to talking about spanking, they suddenly become tongue-tied and shy. It's learned behavior that can be incredibly hard to unlearn.
The trick is finding a way to communicate that will satisfy both parties and whatever works for them is what's important. As long as they get their point across, that's all that matters. Write it out, come up with code words or actions, send an email, text message, whatever you're comfortable with as long as you do something. Anything is better than suffering in silence.
My situation is different because of my personality and partner. Being with Dan (aka SpankBoss) makes it easier sometimes because I read Spanking Blog and the things he discusses there often gets a conversation going between us. We discuss spanking all the time, but that's just us and every couple has their own way. |
Aka
Junior Spanko
Username: Aka
Post Number: 60
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2007 - 10:51 am: |
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My point is the gereral tendencies of the genders. As we all have seen, we can chat with exceptional people in the Den, that is why we are all here. Try our conversations elsewhere! We do not have to be shallow, nor they complicated, but most are. I am a Jew, most Jews are labeled very driven, (Ok, cheap and greedy=), but I do not have to be, can I see slight patterns of my race in me, yep! Should I be defense or live in denial, no, if it is so it is so, if not, I am exceptional and should not let it bother me that people expect it. Is not the whole dating process about finding the opposite sex person out of so many who is right for you? Because MOST of the opposite sex have too many qualities that we don't like, right?
Buen, it is not that I am ashamed of my gender or kissing up to the bottoms (Well, not the ones I do not get to spank any way, I might go a little outta my way when there is booty in it for me, yet another male quality!=), I just tend to accept and expect people to have very basic flaws and I greatly admire those who work on them, however, fact is no one who denies flaws, works on them. That is why support group meetings open with "Hi, my name is _______ and I AM a....", don't think they got them for the shallow and complicated though! =)
Hope that makes sense.
A good spanking changes things!
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Aka
Junior Spanko
Username: Aka
Post Number: 61
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2007 - 10:57 am: |
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Good Point Bethie. I fell into a rut in a 9 year spanko relationship of thinking it was so easy and of course, now back on the market again, learned having some one with the right spanking connection does make it easy, but it is of course not.
A good spanking changes things!
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Cheekychipmunk
Spanko
Username: Cheekychipmunk
Post Number: 250
Registered: 05-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2007 - 06:49 pm: |
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Bethie,
I like the way you explained it.
I can talk to hubby about finances, IN-LAWS , everyday worries and troubles. Yet when we talk about spanking I hem-haw around the word.
Living in a full house, no-one knows of our spanking lifestyle,(at least if they do they haven't said anything about knowing it)and we have to wait til we get time alone to talk.
If it were just he and I then most likely the spanking discussions MIGHT be easier, but I came from a family that didn't really talk stuff through. Sex and anything to do with sex was taboo. Just the mention of the word sex or sexual feelings and mom would go balistic.
thanks again Bethie for summing up so nicely.
"Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence."
Sloan Wilson
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 3120
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2007 - 08:28 pm: |
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Another interesting point needs to be addressed, and that is judgement. If we look in our own world of the Den, where we all have a common interest in spanking, there are still judgements made. So, yes, discussing all things including and especially our own desires and delights, can case some uneasiness.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 1799
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, March 23, 2007 - 11:33 am: |
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Your sure right about judgement Fanny!!
This discussion started out innocent enough but look how it turned out...
It takes a lot of courage for me to post about my private life..then when the post gets out of control it makes it harder for me to post the next time. |
Lilhotmama
New member
Username: Lilhotmama
Post Number: 17
Registered: 03-2007
| | Posted on Friday, March 23, 2007 - 01:22 pm: |
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Im sorry Tammy! Ive been reading this post the past few days, not really wanting to jump into the middle of it. But I did want to let you know that I am in the same boat. My husband and I have wonderful communication, and while he greatly respects everything I say, I often have trouble opening up about my fantasies, esp spanking related. While I can often mention topics brought up in the Den, when it comes to what I actually want/need, I clam up. I have also sent him pics/emails or left him coded messages through our MySpace accounts. Sometimes when he brings it up later, it is easier for me to talk about since he first seemingly brought up the subject (after my email hints). Perseverance and time is all that has worked for me in the past few months. Good luck! |
Bethie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Bethie
Post Number: 1348
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Friday, March 23, 2007 - 01:53 pm: |
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Tammy, Lilhotmama, and everyone else who has these concerns, don't be afraid to post what you think or feel. Things go off course sometimes, but we can normally get things turned around without too much trouble or drama.
For the most part, I think there are a lot of folks who understand how you feel and can totally relate to your initial post. And that's not taking into account all of those out there who are reading and are hesitant to say anything. Btw, thank you for posting about that, Lilhotmama, you made a good point that needed to be addressed.
One problem is that we sometimes get so far into the thread that we forget the initial quesion. You remember, when you asked if anyone else felt like you do?
 Sorry about that, but I think we're back on course now.
I almost forgot something. Thanks Cheeky for your words, I appreciate it!
(Message edited by bethie on March 23, 2007) |
Tammynx
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 1801
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, March 23, 2007 - 03:03 pm: |
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Thanks for letting me know Lilhotmama I guess there are a lot of us in the same boat .
Thanks for your support Bethie and your advice it is always appreciated!!! |
Tmichellebrat
Spanko
Username: Tmichellebrat
Post Number: 145
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, April 30, 2007 - 02:11 pm: |
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Hi everyone ...I haven't been here in awhile but I thought I would comment here. I have the very same issues with the guy I am with. It seems I can't be open with him about the lifestyle and it's not like he doesn't know what I like ... but when it comes to actually talking face to face about it then it gets to be a bit uncomfortable for me. I also have an easier time expressing my feelings about spanking and D/s to him through email or through my blog. He gets frustrated with me but is patient about it too. Not much advice I can give except to hang in there and keep communication lines open whether it be face to face or through emails. It's nice to be back here. }} |
Spankette
New member
Username: Spankette
Post Number: 9
Registered: 04-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 01, 2007 - 03:55 pm: |
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Off topic comment deleted by Admin
(Message edited by bethie on May 01, 2007) |
Monkeymomsc1
New member
Username: Monkeymomsc1
Post Number: 10
Registered: 05-2007
| | Posted on Sunday, June 17, 2007 - 10:19 am: |
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rick and i have been thru a lot in our 20+ years together, we talk about a lot of things. spanking is difficult for me to verbalize. my suggestion: i just email threads, or leave info on the computer if it is something i want him to read/learn. that way it isnt confrontational. he can read it at his leasure, think about it (he's a thinker/observer) and make up his mind without me forcing it on him. i get my message across and i will find out later,one way or another, what he thinks about it. so far its worked well. and thanks bueno for that tip.  |
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