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Wolfie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Wolfie
Post Number: 1267
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 08:11 am: | 
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How do you forgive someone you dearly love, when you cant forget what they've done? I'm not going to go into particulars, but Im wondering if anyone has any advice I can use.
Time has blurred the edges of the pain I still feel from this betrayal, yet it takes such a small reminder to bring it all rushing back again. Then, its as if it happened yesterday and my feelings of sadness, betrayal, shock and anger overwhelm me.
How do you move past this kind of thing? Will I ever be able to trust this person again, or will I always be waiting for the next lie to pop up? I like to think Im a caring and forgiving kind of person...but my inability to let go of the pain associated with past events makes me feel otherwise.
Any advice? 
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.
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Tammynx
Spanko
Username: Tammynx
Post Number: 293
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 09:44 am: |
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I've been in the same place Wolfie. My dad always used to say "The past is the past...leave it there". It is always very hard for me to forget when someone has hurt me. You have to decide if you want to move on and get past it. Time usually helps heal all wounds.
Sorry I know I'm not much help...and I know I take a while before I can move on...but I almost always do. |
Shylah
Spanko
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 643
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 09:48 am: |
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I've gone thru the same thing. I'm not sure how I coped at the time. I do remember getting quite drunk. Now, I'm always looking to see if he's done it again. The trust is gone. It's been months, and I can't let go either.
Wolfie, I'll be watching this post with great interest cos it seems you and I both need the help.
Hugs for you. 
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Pinkcheeks
Junior Spanko
Username: Pinkcheeks
Post Number: 75
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 11:15 am: |
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Sometimes, its extremely hard to forgive someone you love...and sometimes we never do get past the initial hurt, or the hurt that creeps up when we least expect it. I wish I had magic words, but unfortunately I don't. What I could offer is this........Take care of YOU - know the kind of person you are deep in your soul and cherish that. Someone once told me...."Don't look back, look forward".....Yes, easy to say, but not easy to do. Trust in your heart - it won't steer you wrong.
My favorite color? pink of course 
"But honey...wait...I didn't mean it!!"
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Closetoedge
New member
Username: Closetoedge
Post Number: 9
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 02:14 pm: |
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Wolfie:
I did something terrible and my now ex wife is/was
like you and could not completely forgive me. We went to marriage councelling for many years and
we just could not resolve the issue. What has transpired is that we are now friends although we are seperated and soon to be divorced. What I would like to tell you that she still misses me and wishes I was in her life like I was before I left. To say this issue is hard to deal with is an understatement, but one real reality is that if you can not forgive and move on the person whom you are speaking about may himself move on and out of your life and that could cause you much more pain in the long run. It is not easy but the stakes in love are very high....
J |
Shylah
Spanko
Username: Shylah
Post Number: 646
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 03:14 pm: |
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With us, what happened has never been discussed since the day after. I don't use it against him. I just can't feel like he is completely truthful with me. It wasn't a physical thing, it's just the fact that it happened. I love him and will not drive him away.
Take my heart and soul. But please don't step on it, it breaks easily.
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Wolfie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Wolfie
Post Number: 1270
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 08:01 pm: |
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Im not trying to drive anyone away, I just cant cope sometimes. Im not the kind of person to wish to throw this in anyone's face, I dont like even talking about it. But just when I think Im over it and doing well, Im reminded by something and its as if its happening all over again.
Closetoedge, I would be miserably unhappy if this person left my life...but I dont know how to let go of the pain. I wish it were easier to do, because it could affect my life forever. 
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.
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Katie_spades
Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 375
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 11:58 pm: |
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I knoe it's easier said than done, but proceed with caution at your own risk. Whil he maybe thinking of just hooking up, whereas you are looking for more, you could be destroyed more than yoo alrady are. the othr thing is perhaps seeking therapy. I did and am on medication now and ner felt bettr and believe my in high schoool, I had some dire tasks... Hop this helps!
I'm sorry, but not as sorry as I'm gonna be.
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Redhinney
Junior Spanko
Username: Redhinney
Post Number: 193
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, February 09, 2006 - 08:04 am: |
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Wolfie,
I can only help you by giving an example. I have a circle of 8 friends all of them I have known since childhood. Lets call this one friend Ann (not real name). Sometimes Ann forgets that we all know exactly where she came from because all of us came from the same background so to speak. Annn did exteremly good for herself but not without large hurdles. Her first husband was a drunk and beat her, she finally left him when she was 6 months preg. To support herself she worked as a maid in a hotel that specialized in short stays (we call them hot sheets hotels). Fially after 3 years of doing that she finished her college degree and gets a good job with a drug company. she is doing much better and meets a man that I will call Frank (again not real name). Frank is a cop and in also in the military reseveres. They get married together they buy an home heating fuel oil delievery company. You can't go anywhere in our area without seeing thier companies truck. I am really very happy for her she desevers some happines and joy in her life. And in a way I am very proud of her because she really did pull herself up and make good. So here we are all together for one of the all girls hoilday teas. it was the year it was at my house. Out of now where she says in a loud voice "I would never live in this house. I don't know how you are doing with all the construction going on why don't you move to a hotle and live there until the work is done. If it's money I can give it to you after all I'm worth more than all of you added together" well to say that my frist thought was undescribable is being mild. I was embrassed and angry. How dare someone say anything like that while in my house. MY house is an old victorian home that we were in the middle of remodleing. I had a steeless steel kitchen 5 years before it was the thing to do. Money was not the problem- the reason we didn't move to another place was the dogs. After about 10 minutes I finally grab her and said Ann please don't talk like that in front of my other guest and as a reminder we all grow up together so there is no reason to put on airs. we know everything there is to know about you so if I was you I would behave. My husband who was in the house when this was siad told me late if that was me I wouldn't have been able to sit for a month of sundays. SO for the next couple of months well really a year I was very uncomfortable around her. Finally after much discussion with other friend who were there and soem who were not I decided that at the next "girls tea" I was going to confront the issue. I told her that I felt that her comments were not called for and that it hurt me that she thought so little of me to say something like that in front of everyone if she thought I was having $ problems than why did she coem to me privately and I added "Ann just so you know when you considere that out of the 8 women present 7 own their own business and none of us are doing bad at all. we just choice not to push our money in your face like you do to us. I don't like it and I would like to stop it. If you contuine to do it you will no longer be welcome in my house.
Wolfie, this was a tough decisison because girlfriend who know everything about you and still chose to be our friend are hard to come by. I decide that i needed to tell her why she was upsetting me and allow her to do what was needed to correct the situtation. I say that you might want to do the same. if the situtation was so that you were wrionged I suggest that you discuss this with the person and let them know exactly how and what you feel and allow them to make the corrective action plan.
As a side note Ann fianlly realized that she was pushing all of us away but her actions and really made an effort to change her behavior. But everyonce in a whike when she gets thoses airs again I gently reminder of her days at eh hot sheet motel.
Hopefully, you will be albe to discuss this with your person.
Love can't always be seen or hear but will always be felt with your heart
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Wolfie
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Wolfie
Post Number: 1275
Registered: 04-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, February 09, 2006 - 01:22 pm: |
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Thank you Red, and everyone else whose posted. We have talked and this is definitely my problem and not theirs. Im sure with more time and the constant support and patience this person shows me, I'll be able to put this episode behind me once and for all. 
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.
Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.
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Redhinney
Spanko
Username: Redhinney
Post Number: 203
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Friday, February 10, 2006 - 09:55 am: |
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Wolfie,
Open and honest discussion can only lead to happiness. I know that you are a strong person and I know that once you set your mind to forgive this person you will but all takes time.
William always tells me to have patinence which of course doesn't happen so his answer to me Did you ever wonder why it takes 40 weeks for a baby to be born because that's how long it takes to do it right- Time will make this right for you.
Good luck I'll be thinKing about you
PS we need a spell checker
Love can't always be seen or hear but will always be felt with your heart
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Katie_spades
Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 383
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, February 12, 2006 - 04:38 am: |
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All I can say i that I agree with Rd in that honest discussion is the best and only policy, and way to get better... keep at it and I'll be thinking about you...
Love,
Katie
I'm sorry, but not as sorry as I'm gonna be.
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Ftopinmichigan
Spanko
Username: Ftopinmichigan
Post Number: 461
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Friday, February 17, 2006 - 09:20 am: |
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How do you move past this kind of thing? Will I ever be able to trust this person again, or will I always be waiting for the next lie to pop up? I like to think Im a caring and forgiving kind of person...but my inability to let go of the pain associated with past events makes me feel otherwise.
_________________
Coming in late in this thread, I can add that I don't forgive. If someone makes a deliberate action toward me, and that action is a breach of a trust...a mutually agreed upon trust...then I don't forgive. They intended to do whatever they did. There is nothing to forgive, as I see it.
I find a betrayal of trust to be the worst thing someone can do. Whether it's a lie or breach of trust, it was their choice to take that action in the first place. Them apologizing for their actions, won't take away what they did, or said, and my forgiving them won't take away the pain of deception or hurt.
I find a relationship just changes directions when a trust is broken, and I don't necessarily break off the relationship. I will, or can, maintain a relationship with that person, but it just has a different dynamic involved now.
Errors and mistakes are one thing, but lies, and trust breaks are intentional. IMO, they will happen again, and again, and again.
I feel if you make allowances for a discovered lie, then you should expect that there are more in the air.
K |
Katie_spades
Spanko
Username: Katie_spades
Post Number: 436
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 22, 2006 - 09:22 pm: |
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You know, I have thinking about this and perhpas it's just the Arab in me, but I must say that those that betray me never get back into my good graces. Perhaps that is a bi harsh, but I firmly believe if you betray once, you'll do it again. Hope this wasn't too harsh for anyone.
I'm sorry, but not as sorry as I'm gonna be.
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Limey
New member
Username: Limey
Post Number: 3
Registered: 02-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 28, 2006 - 01:24 am: |
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I am on the other end of the spectrum at the moment Im afraid. I am the one who made a dogs dinner of a relationship and I can tell you it isnt easy for the offender either. Hurting someone you love either purposefully or through some grand cockup (like me) is one of the worst feelings a person can go through. The pain is....beyond words. Im sorry youre hurting so terribly due to your chums betrayal..I hope one day you can learn to forgive him/her as I know youll both feel much better. (hoping the same for my chum as well)}
Limey
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Fanny
Moderator/Spanking Aficionado
Username: Fanny
Post Number: 1984
Registered: 05-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 28, 2006 - 01:50 am: |
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In any relationship, there is going to be good times and bad, it is unavoidable. Love and caring make the pain much worse for both parties, I agree with Limey here.
If a relationship is worth saving, the desire has to come from both parties, but if it can be worked out, I believe the relationship can end up stronger.
Queen of Innocence
"Well behaved woman rarely make history"
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Ftopinmichigan
Spanko
Username: Ftopinmichigan
Post Number: 489
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 28, 2006 - 05:35 am: |
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"I can tell you it isnt easy for the offender either."
____________
I seriously doubt a "deliberate" offender will get much sympathy from anyone (but other offenders). It was ALL their choice to be dishonest. They just got caught, which is something they hadn't considered with their lies. The actions that caused friction would be ALL upon them. If they feel bad...GOOD!
K
PS Did ya get that I'm unforgiving?  There are no accidents in betrayal. |
Eod
New member
Username: Eod
Post Number: 17
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 28, 2006 - 07:39 pm: |
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I've been watching this thread idly since it emerged. I must say that I find the attitudes exceptionally harsh. It must be painful to carry something for so long and be unable to let it go, regardless. Eventually it becomes much worse for the one who won't forgive - it's a burden.
I've been in both positions, as we all have. Nobody lives any length of time w/o seriously hurting another person - it doesn't have to be infidelity to hurt another deeply.
And what does "deliberate" mean in this context? Who betrays accidentally?
The betrayals we commit that hurt others always have extenuating circumstances that partially (at least) justify them.
The betrayals that others commit against us never have those, it seems.
I write this on our thirtieth anniversary. I've hurt my wife from time to time in serious ways. She did the same to me occasionally. One of mine was a physical infidelity. Hers were different, but still fundamental to our relationship at the time. We managed (not quickly and not without difficulty) to move past each other's weaknesses as they occurred.
We have five thriving children deeply attached to their parents, unaware of the stresses we've gone through, but fully aware of the joys we've shared. They have greatly benefited from our marriage. They see us as role models. We know that sometimes we weren't.
In my opinion, if you resolve never to forgive, you are imprisoning yourself. Nobody reasonable expects instant forgiveness. Nobody should tolerate serial behaviour which takes advantage of a partner's need to remain in a relationship.
I don't feel that's what I'm reading here. To me it sounds categoric, black and white. Once hurt, never forgive.
} |
Ftopinmichigan
Spanko
Username: Ftopinmichigan
Post Number: 491
Registered: 09-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, March 01, 2006 - 04:49 am: |
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If my man took my car, without my permission, and smashed it...I can forgive him. It was a deliberate action, against me, but forgivable and fixable, IMO.
If my man took my best girlfriend, and had sex with her repeatedly, it too was a deliberate action....and not forgivable or fixable, IMO.
Yes, there are varying degrees of betrayal and hurt, but there are also some things that can be unforgivable to some.
Sometimes...something's ARE black and white.
As an example...once a pedophile, always a pedophile. Once an alcoholic/dug addict, always an addict (whether actively using or not). There is NO cure.
I also feel, once a cheater always a cheater. (And please understand, I am not comparing the above categories here...just showing that some things remain with a person.)
The car can be fixed. The heart is not so easy. Some of us will take the chance on allowing time and deeds to heel, and some of us won't.
I don't think being black and white is this horrible way of life. If up front, within a relationship, about your philosophies on things, there's no surprises.
K
PS I always find it interesting, when these types of conversations occur that it's the ones with infidelity issues that allows defend the idea of forgiveness. And just to add some clarity to the subject...no man, that I was seriously involved with, ever cheated on me, so I don't have past issues with an adulterous man, I have not experienced one in a relationship. |
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